This post is by the very funny and witty @Cumical.
On Tablets Of Digital Stone:
This is my attempt at a serious post. We are gathered here today, dearly beloved, to talk about relationships and all that emotional gay stuff. So yeah, uhm… yeah. Uhm…
So when you’re in a relationship, you have to uhm…
You guys are all clowns. You gave the one guy that can’t take anything serious one of the most serious topics in this generation of youths and you expected him to make good of it?
I laugh…in…well, I just laugh.
What do I know about relationships? I’ve had 17 failed ones so far, I’m worse than most of you combined. If you’ve failed WAEC 17 times, you don’t exactly qualify to lecture Post UME. Oh well, I still have to write something, so draw inspiration people, I will only be saying this once.
I am immortal. But I will try to put myself in the shoes of some of you dispensables and write down some rules and regulations for you humans to follow.
You’re welcome. Mortals…
What Guys Want
See it’s really simple with me. Don’t change. That’s all I ask. If you’s a simple ho, don’t become complicated when you get in with me. If you’s complicated, don’t become a simple bitch. Aite?
What Girls Want
Don’t ever forget my birthday. Or our anniversary. Probably the worst thing you can ever do to this body is to forget when it was birthed. Nigga is you crazy!? No fellatio for you. Don’t try it.
Don’t ignore me when your folks around When your homeboys are in the vicinity and you act like I’m invisible, or I don’t matter, I will look among these homeboys you’re trying to impress, and do the same thing. Effectively. Don’t try it.
Mind explaining why you got up and left when you needed to answer that phone call? What you gotta say huh? (‘-‘ ) Huh? ( `-`) Don’t try it. Matter-of-fact, why do you have a lock on your phone? Don’t try me.
Never forget shit. Do you remember the colour of the nail polish on the third finger from the left on my right hand the day we ate dinner at the KFC branch in Surulere for the third time? No? You don’t remember ANYTHING ABOUT ME! You never pay attention! Pay attention! Don’t try me.
I am not your ex. She gave you anal, I’m a tight-ass. Don’t compare us okay? I’m not your sister either. Don’t try me.
Now now, look here nigga. I’m the only one allowed to nag. Please don’t be all up in my grill talmbout “Where you at? I called yo’ mamma, lil’ brother, sister, Jane, Susan and nobody knows where you are. You better get yo ass back home!” Don’t be a bitch. That’s my job!
Don’t ever EVER make fun of me. Ever.
January 1: 10 am “Baby, wanna come over get some o’ this D?”
January 2: 10:30 am “Yo shawty, wanna get some?”
January 3: 10 am “So I was thinking, it’s been almost 24 hours since I had some pussy”
Look yeah, I understand that your testosterone level would give 5 escaped convicts and a battalion of soldiers back from war a run for their money, but what the fuck? Show me some affection. But that can’t be your only hustle.
And just cos I’m real nice;
Always ALWAYS drop the soap. You don’t have to pick it up, but you have to attempt to… ϑ
If my father asks, you’re my church counselor
The fact that we’re homosexual faggots doesn’t mean you have to spend 3 hours in the bathroom working on your eye liner. We’re men gaddemmit
Don’t use up all the lube. I need some o’ that good shit too
Even when you’re mad, don’t fucking bite!
You gotta say you love me. I got feelings too y’know. And don’t fuss when it’s your turn to be the big spoon.
Don’t show off too much when you’re at the gym. Don’t want the lady scum ogling my baby. Don’t want the faggots ogling you either, so cool it.
Again, the soap. Don’t forget it. Drop it like it’s hot.
If our pictures ever leak, I want the top bunk in our cell okay? Just putting it out there…
So… how will you repay me for the words of wisdom I have placed on digital stone?
Oh that’s easy. If this made you smile in the least, please drop a comment. Thanks.
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