Today’s post is by @bule_jr who writes at http://bulejr.wordpress.com I like to think of him as a relationship expert
What’s a marriage?
Yeah, I know it’s what we like to refer to as the union between a man and a woman (or whatever sex they are nowadays) in holy matrimony. This was/is supposed to be the ideal thing that God and the heavenly beings had planned when they formed this institution.
(Un)fortunately, this has been somewhat tainted over the generations such that it is now taken with such levity and disregard and not enough thought is put into it anymore. Pressure from family, friends as well as a social intimidation to be married at certain ages have also added to the intense need for people to tie the knot with more often than not, dire consequences.
I won’t go into whether or not marriage is a failed institution now or if our generation who I must admit have a somewhat subtle desire for better marriages and unions with domestic issues now getting more attention than in previous times. Admittedly the journey is a long one but a start is a start nonetheless.
Sadly there’ll always be exceptions to such movements as for some in our generation, marriage is the be-all & end-all for them and this makes them easy prey for the opposite sex.
It has been playing on my mind lately, is marriage a necessity. The Christian part of me lets me understand that if I am with a person, I have to get married to the person if I ever want to consummate the marriage, have kids & live happily ever after. The human part of me tells me that at times marriages complicate things and if I find someone I am happy with and we end up being together, DO WE REALLY NEED A CEREMONY TO SHOW OUR HAPPINESS?
The decision to get married should come naturally to both parties involved in the relationship and not simply because society/culture/tradition dictates that they should get married. Wishful thinking I know but at some point in time these rules are going to have to be done away with, I definitely don’t want my own kids growing up in such conditions because I know how much they irk me.
So, assuming marriage has taken place and man & wife exist, I would like to discuss two major issues that have come up recently when discussing with friends and of course social networks.
Ideal: I would say that is for both parties to have individual accounts and one account that they both put funds in to sort out things on the domestic front like tuition, feeding, clothing etc.
Reality: So many marriages now are just mirages and trust is at such an all-time low that way too much ‘serenre’ goes into this simple formula and that is even where it occurs at all. Most families just have the husband giving the wives money and expecting all that it is supposed to achieve to be delivered (even when it hasn’t been spelt out). The women also do their bit but most times the men don’t care and sadly the kids pick up these things and the cycle seems to go on & on.
Ideal: I have no research, but I am certain better unions and families are built where there is a healthy relationship with both sets in-laws. Coming from a background where my external families were always at war I saw it take a strain on my folks at times, they were able to pull through but how many didn’t? I was one of the lucky ones and have made up my mind that I must be ‘cool’ with my in-laws if I am to go into any union with any babe.
Reality: How a couple handle and treat their in-laws is often a fair reflection of how they treat themselves and their own families and honestly I don’t even know how to describe what’s going on with our own generation. Before most marriages, couples get along just fine with in-laws but as soon as they get married, this relationship starts to disintegrate slowly. I have noticed this way too many times and quite frankly cannot come up with an adequate reason as to why it happens, maybe you guys can? Or am I the only one noticing this? I hope not.
There are many more issues I would have loved to talk about like sex, intimacy, infidelity, friends etc. but these have been well spoken of lately and even I am tired of them so just these two should do.
The major thing that affects marriages nowadays has got to be communication. Hindered by differing cultures/backgrounds, the right way of going about it lies somewhere in our heads, it’s the relaying of that message to partners that the problem often occurs. Sort out communication and you have sorted out 75% of relationship/marital issues. …. “To truly know another, we must be willing to see the world through their eyes, not simply our own. If we listened as well as we spoke, really connecting would take care of itself . . .” …. That sums it up in a nutshell.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and I believe God had good intentions for it when he did establish it. I just think that before one decides to jump into it, one needs to have gone on a journey of self- discovery to fully understand themselves and what they are capable of and then knowing their weaknesses as well (it sounds so cliché, I know but trust me it’s worth it). This can & will help in guiding one to finding someone that will love you for who you are, compliment your faults and help you grow as a person. Make no mistake; it can be a great deal of hard work uncovering the hidden aspects of yourself which cause you to trip and fall. It is also worth every moment of the time and energy you put into it. Like anything else, you reap what you sow. Personal growth is no exception. Unfortunately, it seems to be the preference of many to take the easy route and simply blame others for their relationship woes. This, my friend, is a dead end street. Been there, done that, doesn’t fly. I encourage all of you who so deeply want that connected, loving and satisfying relationship, to invest yourself in what it takes to have it. You won’t regret it.
These for me are the basic steps that ‘Ideally’ lead to better relationships and hopefully subsequent marriages because the power to do that lies in your own hands. Easier said than done but that’s just me.
Somewhere up there, I hope I have made some sense and passed something across to you. I am open to hearing your views on the two issues discussed as well as anything else you want to share with us; just do so using the comment box. Thanks
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